I can't do this anymore...please help me.?

I have gone through three years of agonizing depression and I am still the only one in my family who hasn't been to a therapist about an attemted suicide (my father).....I have begged my mother (who knows about my father) to let me go, even for the one day she told me our insurance covered...I refuse to go to the school counciler and I really don't want something temporary like a hotline...and when my doctor asked me about thoughts of suicide, my mom was there so I couldn't tell her the truth...my doc gave me a list of therapists anyway, but my mother told me she wouldn't take me unless i was wanting to kill myself (I don't want to and I have no intention of doing so...just the thoughts)...I have no idea what to do...I have been feeling especially bad this month....please help me?